I’m going to cancel my appointment…

livebehindthelense — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:37:47 +0000

I’ve been feeling really good this week

And I think I found out what the problem is; my mother. If I can avoid her, I feel happy. Though this is hard living under the same roof as her.

I’m going to cancel my appointment.

livebehindthelense — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 09:22:20 +0000

I’ve had a really good week this week, next week feels like it’s going to a good one too, so I don’t want to put a downer on it

I’m feeling good today

I wish I was thinner.

livebehindthelense — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 21:51:32 +0000

I’m a UK size 10/12 but that’s not good enough for me. I don’t want to look unhealthy, but I think I’d be so much happier if I was bonier, slimmer and looked more delicate. I just see so many girls that are skinnier than me and they look so much more attractive.

I just can’t seem to do anything about it though. I try to eat less, and can manage to do so for a week, but then I fall off of the wagon. I’m going to the gym after school tomorrow. If I can keep this up and keep my food down, I might reach my goal.

I weigh like 10 stone. 8 would be nice.

Does anyone have any tips?

I don’t know what your views on mash ups are …

livebehindthelense — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 18:22:21 +0000

But I love this:

Florence and the Machine

livebehindthelense — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 18:11:25 +0000

I love Florence and the Machine and have been listening to them for what seems life forever.

Don’t get me wrong, I really like the album, but was really disappointed how much they altered “My Boy Builds Coffins”. The demo I heard before the album “Lungs”, was incredibly bassey, bluesey, but the version the album hosted was completely different and is the track I like least.

It’s a pity they didn’t include more of their demos, because for me, they’re the songs I fell in love with.

I don’t know; listen and compare and tell me what you think.

2 things have cheered me up:

livebehindthelense — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:57:07 +0000

Listening to Galaxy of the Lost more times than is probably healthy.
Walking in on my brother singing and dancing in front of a mirror to Miley Cyrus. He’s 15 and listens to metal.

So I spoke to my friend

livebehindthelense — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 16:30:59 +0000

And she doesn’t know what to suggest. She was really good actually; she listened and I think that’s what I needed.

She suggested I go and see my GP, so I’ll either ring tomorrow before school, or during one of my frees. I might see if she’ll come down with me. I don’t know. I just could do with some support.

I don’t know how to describe how I’m feeling now. Better, not so much sad, but not happy. I’m going to go with emotionless. And cold. Very cold.

My head is a bit of a mess.

livebehindthelense — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 15:16:27 +0000

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about a month now, he’s sweet, kind, and lovely. We’d known each other for about a year before we got together, and became very close. Even when he’d not had the courage to tell me how he felt, I always got the impression he liked me.

So about a month ago we got together, but nothing’s changed at all; we barely see each other, we only really speak to each other via text or MSN. And as lovely as he is, I just don’t see us progressing any further than we are currently. I’ve got to consider what’s going to happen when I go to University; the one I like best is over 2 hours away, and I’m not going to be coming home frequently. It’s just making me question wether it’s all worth it. I know we’ve still got like a year before I go, but I don’t want to get overly attached if it’s going to end because of distance. I don’t know, I’ve never been in a long distance relationship before, so I don’t know how they work out. And I don’t want to have to deal with temptation when I’m there either. I’m not saying I’ll cheat with every guy I meet – I’m not like that at all – but I’m going to be making new relationships.

I think what I’m scared of at the moment is upsetting him. Because of his condition, I have no idea how he’d take a break up. I’m not saying that’s what’s going to happen, but I don’t know.

I guess you could say I’m having second thoughts about it all, but I really hate letting people down.

And it’s not that I don’t like him or anything, because I do, but I don’t know whether going through all of this is worth it, because I don’t want to hurt him when we do finally have to call it a day.

I just wish I had someone I could talk to it about; most of my friends are really good friends with him, and I don’t want to lose them, and my best friend is all like “Awwwh you and him”.

I don’t want to let anybody down, but no matter what I choose to do, it’s going to affect someone.

Hmm.

livebehindthelense — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 17:30:11 +0000

So it was my friend’s 18th earlier this week and I’ve just found out that he and all of my other friends are going out tonight. No one mentioned anything to me. I don’t know how to feel about that.

Parent Tutor Day.

livebehindthelense — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:52:35 +0000

So I’ve just come back from Parent Tutor Day. Pretty much the same as always, excellent attendance, working well, well suited to my courses. My Tutor makes one comment about how I’ve become more confident and has a result sometimes come across as highly opinionated, not always listening to other people and my mother takes it completely the wrong way. Hands up; I’ll admit, yes I am an opinionated person and I will fight my corner when I need to, but I’m not the rude and abusive person she seems to see me as.

We’ve come home and she’s not praised me at my high predictions and the rate that I’m working in at class. She’s laid into me about how I’m rude and never listen to what anybody else has to say, how I always cut over people when they’re talking, how I never admit I’m wrong, how I can never have a discussion without raising my voice. Yet she stands here and does exactly the same thing.

I tried to explain that everybody does it occasionally, and it’s not something that we can help. At this point she’s cutting over me before I’ve finished my sentence. Apparently me pointing this out to her is not justified.

She said how I’d invited myself into a conversation she was having with someone today, a conversation which was about me. If something’s about me, don’t you think I’ve got a right to put across my opinion? If they’re talking about teachers I’ve had, how I’ve found them, or what Universities I’ve liked, surely I have the right to tell them what I think?

I pointed this out and she chose to ignore it. I asked her, “Suppose if I was having a conversation with Grandma. You cut in and give your input.” She replies with a mere “I’m an elder.” When I point out my Grandmother would be an elder to her, she ignores me again.

She has a go at me for wandering about when she talks to me, yet when I try to talk to her, nine times out of ten, she doesn’t listen to me, ignores what I have to say, or tells me she doesn’t care. For instance, one of my friend’s families were involved in the whole Sharm el Sheikh deal recently. When I told her she didn’t care, wasn’t interested in their ordeal at all. I thought this might be a topic of interest, not trivial things like who’s one X Factor this year. Obviously not.

As I was trying to discuss the whole fuss about Parent Tutor day, she told me to “Shut the fuck up” and get out of her sight.

I’ve done so. I’m sitting in my room in tears again.

University can’t come soon enough.